February 2012
22 posts
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You know how we regular people have The List of celebrities we can hook up with if given the chance? I was wondering last night if celebs have their own lists.
Probably. I mean, right?
I bet this is what a few of them look like:
Taylor “Intolerably Sweet” Swift: Justin Bieber, Prince William, Ryan Gosling, a Ken doll and Zac Effron
Lindsay “Hot Mess” Lohan: Christian...
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Mom: When I paid for groceries with a credit card, I used to sign my name as "Fuck You" on the little pad.
Me: Why on earth would you do that?
Mom: Just to see if it made a difference. It doesn't. The charge always goes through no matter what.
Me: Wow. Just wow.
Mom: Also, I thought it was funny... Until I realized that the cashiers always see what I write.
Me: *facepalm*
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I think our mail delivery person is drunk.
Constantly.
That’s the only explanation I can come up with for why he/she delivers the wrong mail so often. But this time? This time takes the cake.
This time, Drunk Mail Person didn’t just deliver someone else’s bill that slipped in with ours. Or a greeting card in which someone wrote a “1” that looks like a...
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I was in Denver all last week for work and let me tell you a few things I’ve realized during my trip:
Colorado is GORGEOUS.
A Ford Focus is a really shitty car.
Getting dinner with my cousin several times a week is something I could get used to.
Working in an office with coworkers and not clients is basically a dream. A freeing, freeing dream. (Sample comment: “Can I just tell you?...
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I'm not good at being mysterious.: Planned... →
So Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure today announced that they will no longer give any funding to Planned Parenthood.
This funding allowed Planned Parenthood to provide breast examinations and referrals for mammography and ultrasound to patients at their health centers, patients who were able…
Dear Internet,
I’m going to need someone to make a GIF of Kyle Richards saying,”Oo, you’re Angry Spice” so I can play it over and over when someone gets shitty in my presence.
Also, Real Housewives, your reunions make my night.
Love,
Lisa
January 2012
46 posts
8 tags
Rocco is making his political debut tomorrow.
…While wearing sunglasses.
I repeat: My dog let me put sunglasses on him.
So tolerant. He’s basically half a step away from being a therapy dog. (Minus the jumping, barking and cat-assaulting.)
Stay tuned for a photo that’s funny even if you’re not drinking.
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Since I’m a bridesmaid in my cousin’s wedding, I took my body measurements today.
Never do that. Unless you want your day ruined.
Let’s just say no modeling agency will be knocking down my door anytime soon. In fact, I kind of feel like Jillian Michaels will bust in here any second, snatch my precious beer out of my grubby hands and throw me to the ground to force me into...
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One-day health kick
^^ It’s happening right now.
Before 10am I:
Did pilates instead of sleeping in
Walked the dog instead of lazily taking him out front
Requested an appt. with a new lady doc instead of pretending I don’t need an annual
Requested an appt. with my dentist instead of walking around with a chipped tooth (thanks, foster dog)
Bought a blood pressure monitor instead of just tolerating...
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The worst family vacation we ever took was when my mom got the bright idea to go to Mountain Home, Arkansas.
This is what she was probably envisioning:
This is closer to what we got:
On that trip:
We suffered through no air conditioning in 100-degree heat.
The furniture was too dilapidated for us to sit on.
There was one dirt road that led to a sad-looking dock.
The mosquitos were...
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“I fell down today at Fresh Market. Really busted my ass. Went flying. But I...”
– My 60-year-old dad upon realizing that he’s not a decrepit old man. Yet.
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A winter storm hit Chicago this afternoon and I had to drive in it. It took me 90 minutes to go 5 miles and my asshole car wouldn’t stop sliding.
In other words, I’m throwing my Jetta in the garbage and getting this:
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“Certainly, she’s one of the people I’d call on for advice. I would ask her to...”
– Newt Gingrich on Sarah Palin. SARAH. PALIN.
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‘Sex And The City’ Prequel Will Be Set In Carrie’s 1980s High School Carrie Bradshaw is coming back to primetime. The CW just ordered a pilot to bring the HBO hit to network TV.
…
…The series will be based around “Sex and the City” author Candace Bushnell’s prequel book, “The Carrie Diaries” which follows the young...
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“Are you incontinent, old and retired? And too lazy to chop things?”
– My brother, after realizing what kind of commercials play on TV in the middle of the afternoon.
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When I play Call of Duty, I get the most ridiculous accolades. Instead of “most headshots” or “highest kill/death ratio,” I am awarded things like:
Most time spent in prone position
Longest distance traveled
Most time spent crouched
Most time watching killcams
Basically anything unrelated to firing a weapon, landing a shot or in any way contributing to the team,...
