elle.em.cee.

I accidentally turned on that new Hawaii Five-O TV series tonight and immediately went through the following inner dialogue:

Is this Fast and the Furious / Gone in Sixty Seconds? 

Wait, maybe a future version of Lost?

IS THAT ROBIN?

Hiro! …Constipated Hiro.

Mama said knock you out.

In conclusion, LL Cool J’s expression pretty much sums this all up. Thanks for playing, folks.

Kardashian, [Ri-Ri], Cyrus, Deschanel, Lady, Kardashian, Gomez.

Back in December, I was searching online for a dress to wear to Dave’s work holiday party. After searching through an endless amount of dresses and sites, I decided I absolutely had to have this gorgeous emerald green dress, strapless and accented with black lace.

But I didn’t buy it immediately. I waited. And when I came back to the site, I saw that the dress was OUT OF STOCK. 

Cue devastation.

Until today, when I was on PerezHilton.com and saw this whore wearing the same freaking dress I had wanted:

Coveting cured.

If you bang 90-year-old men, I definitely don’t want wear anything you’d been seen in, no matter how forgettable and obsolete you’ll be next week.

You know how we regular people have The List of celebrities we can hook up with if given the chance? I was wondering last night if celebs have their own lists.

Probably. I mean, right?

I bet this is what a few of them look like:

Taylor “Intolerably Sweet” Swift: Justin Bieber, Prince William, Ryan Gosling, a Ken doll and Zac Effron 

Lindsay “Hot Mess” Lohan: Christian Bale, Chris Brown, Madonna, Charlie Sheen, anyone who will still give me a movie role

Ashton “Cougartown” Kutcher: Diane Lane, Michelle Pfeiffer, Brooke Shields, Halle Berry and Betty White

Jessica “Raging Lesbian” Biel: Blake Lively, Mila Kunis, Scarlett Johansson, Gisele Bundchen and Cameron Diaz

Adam “Look at My Abs” Levine: ANYONE I WANT BECAUSE I’M ADAM FUCKING LEVINE.